Confidence and Communication

Things were pretty shitty last time I wrote, but they seem to be looking up now. I've learned a lot about what was going wrong while I was down in TX and I'm going to try to fix it. It's too good to just give up like this. Part of me really wants to move back home but I would always ALWAYS regret giving up on such a great relationship, no matter how many other people I dated or how much rationalizing I did.

Big discovery today: I suck at communicating. I bottle my feelings up like crazy, even the good ones. This includes the feelings that let my significant other know how much I love and appreciate her. This probably has a lot to do with why I have trouble forming strong relationships with people as well. I've gotten good at the high-level chitchat stuff. I can usually carry a conversation with a new person...I've learned the right kinds of questions to ask and how to recognize when I'm talking about myself too much...things like that. But I think there's a "next step" after all that stuff. There's some sort of leap of faith that one must take to move a relationship to the next level. I suspect it has to do with overcoming the fear of being judged and exposing one's self to the other, making one's self vulnerable. The risk is you get judged negatively and end up hurt, but it's a risk that you need to take in order to become accepted by others. How can they accept you if they've never seen your true self?

It takes confidence to consistently leave yourself vulnerable. Not everyone is going to be a good friend or lover. When it doesn't work out you have to be able to say "that's okay, I'm still worthy of love" and then move on to the next person without becoming guarded. You can't stop yourself from saying things because you're afraid they'll sound weird. As long as you express confidence in yourself people will come along eventually who will be on the same wavelength. It's a very natural thing really, but you need to be able to roll with the punches.

It's no surprise I have trouble with this really. In 6th-8th grade i opened up and got totally destroyed. I was a slightly weird kid. Just enough for the bullies in my grade to grab hold and tear me apart. I never opened up again to anyone in my school after that. Not once. I'm not sure how I opened up to the friends I made in high-school honestly. I guess they were all a little offbeat like me. It must have eventually made me feel comfortable enough to let them see myself. And even though I was really messed up in those days they still loved and accepted me somehow. That may be something worth exploring in another blog entry at some point. Back to work for now.