ouch

The loss just hit me as I was stepping out of the shower. Hard. I tried to hold it back but it burst through and left me wailing and curled up on the bathroom floor, muffling my cries in my towel so that the neighbors didn't think someone was getting murdered in my apartment. She was a part of me...a HUGE part of me. More than I ever knew and perhaps more than I wanted. I lost important parts of myself because I chose to replace them with her. I can not imagine ever being with someone who offers their love to the world on such a deep and beautiful level. I find myself worrying that I will carry our relationship like a scar. That it will become the lens through which I judge any who come along and dare to try and take her place. It's possible that this is just because the wounds from our separation are so raw.

Paradoxically, it hurts so so SO much more when there's no bitterness at the end. What the hell are you supposed to do when you can't demonize this person with whom you absolutely have to end a relationship. Instead of being able to squash all that love with resentment and telling yourself with the utmost certainty that things are better off, you just have to walk away. I tell myself things are better off for both of us and I'm trying so hard to believe it but this nagging feeling won't go away. I guess that's what happens when you're on the receiving end of the breakup...or when the breakup is a direct result of your actions. I know I could have done things better if I had been in a better place myself. If I had worked harder on myself and become a more mature person over the past two or three years, I could have done this. I could have accepted her love in full and returned it ten-fold. We could have been something incredible.

But I'm not that man. At the moment I feel as though I am still a boy in many ways. I am far too emotionally immature for the woman she has become. I have seen her grow in leaps and bounds these past four years. When we met she had some pretty heavy emotional baggage and not a penny to her name. But somehow I didn't let that bother me. I didn't care about any of that and I pursued her relentlessly because I loved her and saw how beautiful she was inside and out. I accepted her fully for everything she was and was not. She was and is, hands down, the most amazing person I have ever met. Not without her flaws, still human of course, but such a wonderful example of what a human being can be if they live to their full potential. She worked so hard to deal with that baggage and managed to excel during her college experience despite the difficulties she was facing. Everyone who meets her LOVES her. She is a social master and captures the hearts of anyone she talks to. All I can say is...Wow. Just wow. What a woman. I wish with all my heart that I could have been ready for her. Right now it feels like I have totally botched my one shot at true happiness.

I hope time will heal these wounds.